Yes, It Is All About Me..........

So, I've come to the realization that I'm basically now kind of scared, all the time. Maybe it's a lack of a definitive plan, for sure it's the waiting. They're probably one and the same.

I tried giving the fear a specific place to live, like "I'm just afraid about the (possible) chemo," or I'm just afraid about the (definite)anesthesia," but some of you who have had first-person experience with either/both have let me know that neither of those things is as bad, so to speak, as they used to be. (For me "bad" is a euphemism for "risky.")

So far, that strategy is only sort of working. Maybe it's a drawback of our modern-day pride in our ability to multi-task, but it feels harder and harder to distract myself when I'm used to doing a lot of things at once.

My distractions (and by this I mean pleasant and what I woud choose to do instead of being afraid) include:

Time with Rod, watching programs we've TiVo'd (is that a verb?) or shopping (in particular, never can leave BJs or Kohl's with just what was on our list) or that endless task that is called "trying to get rid of some of the stuff (and here you may substitute any other word for "stuff" that works for you) we keep accumulating. Sometimes just sitting and relaxing is pretty awesome. The way I figure it, if you can actually rank just sitting and also throwing out things right along with your other favorite things to do, the common factor and therefore awesome component is actually Rod, not what we're doing. Twenty-five years later, that's a good thing:)


My Three Sons - I think I already mentioned them and I'm thanking them for their (past and present and future) phenomenal support. Two out of three of them drive and one of them cooks from scratch and (with gentle prodding) does laundry. And everyone can read directions, use the microwave and even the "old-fashioned" oven. Nobody like to clean up, and they've come by that honestly and genetically.

Synagogue - My job (running the religious school) and other items - teaching (adults), organizing and assisting with Bar/Bat Mitzvah preparation, choir and bulletin work, lower-level computer troubleshooting. Among the fringe benefits was the opportunity to visit HUC-JIR (NYC branch of the school for Reform Jewish rabbis, cantors & educators) and hear the senior recital of the about-to-be-cantor (Hi Rollin) who's married to our student rabbi (Hi David.) Sat with friends (Hi Faryn) and enjoyed beautiful music. In less than two weeks I'll attend HUC's graduation/ordination/investiture, again in NYC, but at the large, and I'm told beautiful, Temple Emanu-El. Ancillary to my work is my studying - Hebrew grammar, Torah translation/interpretation, plus many other random things I don't remember wanting to know when my childhood Hebrew school teachers might have wanted to teach them to me.

Mario and Luigi - Yes, chinchillas are technically rodents. Too bad. I really adore them and they're soft and completely uncomplicated. The time it takes for them to make a decision (to jump or to chew?) is about a nanosecond and I admire that, although it's not the measured response I've been learning to cultivate as a part of my work.

Screens (i.e. TV & computer)- Let's face it, I'm a terrible example for my children, although I do spend a considerable amount of time reading, too. Food Network, TLC, Discovery Channel, Comedy Central, miscellaneous dramas and sitcoms, stand-up comedy on HBO and even some of Rod's favorites on the History Channel (wander into the room, get absorbed, an hour later you know more than you knew when you walked in.) Then there's the computer - Facebook, Snood, Sudoku, Bejewelled, MLB.com - the Red Sox will be a good recovery-time distraction; better yet if they won more often.....

Jigsaw puzzles - usually not more than 500 pieces; I need to be able to finish within a week or so since frustration is not my best friend on a good day, never mind now!

The Blog - I'm here, you're here. What could be bad?

(You know, that last part sounded good when I wrote it so I'm leaving it there, and I hope it made you smile like it made me smile. And I know that there are, without a doubt, so many people who have a worse prognosis than I do, who don't have good health insurance, or such an amazing, supportive husband and kids and unbelievable circle of friends. But for right now it's about me, and I'm still scared.