The Anniversary Waltz

Tonight on the way home from work I nearly pulled over to have a good cry.   But I didn't, just worked out a couple of sniffles and a good strong "get a grip" thought kept me on the road. 

Monday is always a long day, and for better or for worse there were a couple of disappointing thing that happened at work that were no more, or less, bad than anything else.  I think it's just the way they hit me, and I'm tired.

I've been sleeping rather poorly and am tempted to get back to the Ambien, just to survive all the (good) things coming down the pike for the rest of May.  We'll help Alex move back home in a couple of days, our annual teacher appreciation service is Friday, then Ari gets ready for his 2 (count them, 2) solos in his choir concert, but first, his confirmation service is on May 20. Religious school feels like we left every activity until the last minute; May is just packed with special programs and the last days of school are only about 2 weeks away! 

A couple of weeks ago I told the therapist that I was feeling kind of down, and that I hoped it was not the depression coming back.  But the highlight (or probably lowlight) of it the last time was a lack of appetite, and that doesn't seem to be an issue, nor do I want to go to/stay in bed all the time.  And, this evening's brief episode notwithstanding, I haven't really felt like crying for no reason.  So, I tried to explain that it wasn't depression exactly, but a kind of loss of enthusiasm, or energy, or something like that - more of a sadness, but not terrible.  She pointed out that (almost to the day) a year had passed since my diagnosis, and that, like the loss of a loved one, for a while I might notice this kind of feeling around this anniversary, and those of the surgeries, or maybe just the "big" surgery at the end of June. 

Her words were actually quite reassuring.  Forewarned is forearmed, I guess.  It didn't take away the feeling I am having, but it did make it understandable and best of all, it'll go away eventually.  I don't think she said "just go with it" but it was something similar. 

It's another timing thing.  The trick is to be able to wait for the time to go by to feel better, or to look better, but in the balance not to waste the time and, gosh, there's that patience thing again.  Just gonna have to find some more of that somewhere.