Like a Cat in a Room Full of Rocking Chairs

I think that's the saying, anyway....... 

Ordinarily, I would call it "nervous energy," but usually that can be channeled.  Since this morning, it feels there's just a whole lot of nervous.  The energy is there, but really unfocused.  I have to speak sharply to myself and say "don't just worry, DO!"  And then I can do one or two things that need to be accomplished before Friday morning.

And yet, here I am, my list not really getting shorter, as the time inevitably does.  If I keep adding to it because, if I don't finish everything, it will be a sign that I must (warning: maudlin thought alert) make it through the surgery because I still have things to get done?  I know - get a grip, lady! 

For some reason, this surgery feels more ominous than the mastectomy did.  All I can think is that I had no expectations of what I would look like after my June hospitalization, and now I do.   So, if it's the "after" appearance I'm worried about, why would I focus on the whole survival thing?  It makes no sense, I know.

Some days, you just have to go on faith and trust, but that's not helping much right now.

Darn.