Right around 3 p.m...........

Is when the numbing medication wore off all the way.  Doctor called around 1:30 to check up on me; things were getting a little itchy, but he said the bandage could go first thing in the morning, then shower and bacitracin. (It's possible part of the itch is from the bandage.)

Round about 3, though, the real pain showed up, so I tried to stay in a lying down position for most of the afternoon.  (Seems when I stand up or sit up straight something pulls and it hurts more.)  I tried out 3 advil, which only worked a little, but I am determined not to suffer through the night.  So, out will come one of the heavy-duty painkillers I can break in half and get a good night's rest.  Then tomorrow will be better.  But I'm glad it's over.  In the morning we'll get a good look at the stitches!

Post-op post

Without a hitch. That's how my foray into the world of specialized microsurgery went. We got there at 7:05, they took me in at 7:10, got started right away, and the doctor was extremely nice about the shot. He also checked continuously to be sure I wasn't in pain. Actually one of the most relaxing things I've done in a while! I had the option to stay in the treatment room or join Rod in the waiting area while they checked the newest samplings. We were packed and prepared to be there all day and, of course, I was skin cancer-free and stitched up by 8:15.

Stitches to be removed in two weeks and until then (after the first 24 hours of not touching my bandage)simple care: wash with soap, cover with bacitracin and use a bandage only if I want to.

So simple, so painless (mostly). Piece 'o cake. I'll let you know what happens after the long-acting deadening shot wears off. But in the meantime the two teeny ativans I took to ward off anxiety are making me sleepy. Nap time:)

Irony

Ever since I met Rod (over 30 years ago) he has had more than a few spots of basal cell carcinoma, that least nasty form of skin cancer, diagnosed (and removed)  due to many bad childhood sunburns on very fair skin.  Now, roughly at the same time I had my little (first-time) biopsy, he had two (count 'em, two) biopsies on suspicious spots.

So what happens?  For the first time EVER, his spots are nothing.  Mine (just above my breastbone, right where a necklace would hang) is "suspicious for basal cell carcinoma" or, as the dermatologist said "we don't even really consider that cancer."  But, based on my current medical situation and the radiation I had in that area some years ago, she recommended Mohs surgery.  Further explanation of Mohs can be found here  http://www.skincancer.org/mohs-micrographic-surgery.html?gclid=CILJ8oKfpqkCFURd5Qod-VnIug 
but suffice it to say, it's a method that ensures complete removal with the most desirable cosmetic results. 

So tomorrow I'm having that done beginning at 7:10 in the morning (yawn) but hopefully to(a) be the first patient in so no backup yet and (b)get out of there sooner in the day.

When the nurse called me about two weeks ago to go over choosing the date and time, I asked all the usual (for me) questions:

Me: So, you need bloodwork and an EKG?
She: Um, no.
Me:  Should I stop taking any of my medications now because it's only two weeks away?
She:  No, take everything you usually do.
Me:  No eating after midnight, or earlier because my appointment's so early?
She: We want you to eat, and drink.
Me:  But if I drink, what will happen if I need to go to the bathroom during the surgery?
She:  You get up and go.
Me: How early do you need me there for preparation - 5:30ish?
She: Just be on time.

So, you can see, I am now used to a whole 'nother world of surgery that this is clearly NOT.  When I got off the phone after that call, I thought "she probably thinks I'm nuts."   But when I read the presurgery directions they sent, they were heavy on the "make sure you eat well" and "bring snacks" - so funny! 

Since there is at least one needle involved, I'll be fully prepared with my lidocaine cream slathered liberally on the area an hour ahead of time (I'm such a wimp.) The paperwork does indicate that they try to make it a long-acting shot so that the area stays numb for a really long time.  Apparently they cut some off, stick a temporary bandage on you and send you out to a waiting room while they freeze and examine the tissue looking for clean margins, side to side as well as depth.  So there's a lot of back and forth and in the worst case, I could be there all day.  Hence, their main concern for prep is that you have comfortable clothes, enough food so you don't faint, and plenty to keep you busy while you wait.

This is the most "opposite" set of pre-surgery directions I have ever gotten - bring food, bring possessions!  Nice change from the "we want to make you the most uncomfortable you've ever been before we maybe don't kill you under anesthesia so you can't do anything you usually do for at least two weeks and don't bring anything with you that makes you feel less anxious" directions of my four previous surgeries :)

The biopsy for the suspicious patch took a lot of care, since it was an open wound; tomorrow's surgery will leave me with stitches, which I have grown to appreciate.  They aren't as pretty, but at least (after 24 - 48 hours) you can shower them and there will be a much smaller scar.

All this on what is predicted to be the hottest day of the year so far.  I won't be out sunning, in any case!

Annnnnnnnd...........there went May

To recap:  Great Adventure on May 20 with the Indian Hills High School Chamber choir was a long rainy day but a lot of fun and they sang beautifully.  We must have walked about 10 miles (not counting running for dry shelter at various points) and by the time Rod picked us up, we were wet and tired and slept most of the way back to Oakland...............just in time to shower and change for Ari's confirmation service.  In addition to helping to lead the service, he had two "speeches" - one a teaching piece about the omer and why we count it (I can send you his teaching if you'd like to know what the heck I'm talking about) and one personal piece about why a Jewish education past Bar Mitzvah is valuable (also available.)  He was terrific - so comfortable "preaching" - and so were his fellow confirmands, some of whom he has been friends with since preschool.

Two days later, again in intermittent rain (feels like we here in northern NJ were just plain wet for over a week) we began the ending-of-religious-school process with the last Sunday classes, followed by our 40/10 celebratory BBQ, which was really nice.  Monday brought two more last sessions of school, and Tuesday afternoon, the LAST last session of the official religious school year! But, I had to leave early to get home and get Ari to the high school, freshly groomed once again, for the spring concert. Andrew and Alex joined us to hear the wonderful choir pieces, highlighted, of course, by Ari's solo and also his part in a trio in the Sweeney Todd medley (videos available by request!)

Lest we not forget, the 24th was also Rod's birthday, which we ended up celebrating "officially" that Thursday at the delicious Saddle River Inn with the boys and Maggie & Tom McVeigh (who we cannot thank enough for everything.)  And then, boom, it was Memorial Day weekend and we were off to Baltimore for Digital Overload, a video gaming convention/LAN party where all three boys were registered to play.  In general it was a very nice trip, highlighted by brunch with Rod's cousins Joan and Ann and Ann's husband Rick at an outdoor restaurant by the harbor.

The view from our table!

The lowlight, if you could call it that, was our first night at the hotel, most of which was spent trying to re-inflate my side of the sleep number bed - didn't realize it was broken until about 5:30 a.m., and by then I had a lovely stiff neck :( but as I was trying to wake up in the shower I slipped and fell OUT of the tub, fer cryin' out loud!  It actually sounds worse than it was; two layers of shower curtain and Rod ensured that no serious damage was done.  (Of course 24 - 48 hours later, all the muscles that tried to stop me from falling were feeling the strain!)  But we saw a lot of Baltimore and did quite a lot of walking in the process, and got back to NJ early Sunday evening.  Of course, I couldn't miss my first "religious school is over" dim sum, so first thing (sort of) Monday morning, we were off to Chinatown.

Tuesday the 31st was our rabbi last official day before his sabbatical of three months off, so we fit in one last staff meeting and then poof!  May was over.  On to June (but that's another entry.............)

Got to Admit, It's Getting Better

You would think that while I await the biopsy results of a little pink itchy patch of skin located on what seems like the only piece of frontal real estate that is NOT already numb, I'd feel worse, not better (especially since there will be another surgery and scar involved, I'm sure.) But, not so much!

It's gonna be what it's gonna be. In the meantime, I got good test results from the gynecologist, so scratch that off the list for a year:). Next up on the non breast cancer-related health maintenance hit parade, a colonoscopy (but not right now!) And, although my visit to the dentist (and hygienist from hell) resulted in a cavity - which, by the way, is probably caused by another tamoxifen side effect - "dry mouth" - I still feel better, not worse. Interesting and I don't even care why; I'm just thrilled that my reaction is back to non-tear producing semi-normal!

Whatever the label I put on it (discouraged, down, etc.) IT seems to have subsided. I don't remember doing anything differently; maybe as I unraveled the knots that are May's events, things just. Got. Better.

Tomorrow night is Ari's confirmation service and it's going to be great. He has grown up so much in this way, and I can't wait for him to shine. But first, he's going to sing two (count 'em, two) solos with his chamber choir at a competition tomorrow down near Great Adventure (six flags amusement park, about 2 hours away.)

And so......in order to be sure he gets back in time to shower and dress for Confirmation, Rod is driving down there and I am riding the bus with the kids (leaving 6:30 a.m.) so I can escort him out of the park when Rod arrives. Like I said, it's going to be a great night but I think we are going to be pretty tired!

Saturday is our day to breathe, then Sunday is the congregational 40/10 celebration BBQ, Monday is the last "long day" of religious school, then Tuesday the "real" last day of religious school sessions, then Ari's choir concert, Wednesday day to breathe and Thursday we'll celebrate Rod's birthday (which is actually the 24th) with a really nice dinner with his parents and our boys and Jackie.  Friday we go to Baltimore for Digital Overload. And, we'll be back in time to go to dim sum (hopefully) on Memorial Day itself.

May is turning out to be all the good things that it promised. Very nice.

Patience Enough Not to Become Discouraged

Although I am not depressed, I am, I have decided, discouraged.  Impatient with my recovery progress as it pertains to my physical and psychological contentment with my new self; overtired from worries (perceived) large and small; unreasonably overwhelmed with the end of religious school flurry of activity.  All of these things, except the first, are things I can and should be able to “handle” and the last, savor, or at least, take in stride.

So I have installed at my desk an enlarged, highlighted (pink, of course) photocopy of a prayer from our congregation’s prayer book, which asks for, among other things, “patience enough not to become discouraged.”

This morning my dentist’s receptionist called to ask me if I would have my appointment with a hygienist instead of the dentist himself.  This may not seem like a big deal to most people, but I finally found a dentist I liked over 20 years ago and have followed him from place to place.  We have a good relationship, and he knows that using phrases like “I see we are not flossing regularly” with a grown-up is not only a waste of breath, but also a way to lose a patient.  Also, he does his checkup as he cleans, so it always feels more efficient!  For whatever reason, he has indulged me and done the cleanings himself ever since I’ve known him.  And this morning he has an emergency and he needs to deal with it while I get my teeth cleaned, and will check on me after I’m done with the hygienist.  My point (and I do have one) is that I acted like a mature person and agreed to come in anyway, then got off the phone and had a little cry.

Like I said, things I should be able to handle.  Tonight is our Teacher Appreciation service, normally a time of immense joy; a lot of fun to sit with my teachers at services and say nice things to them in a public forum.  Guess I’ll pray for more patience while I’m there.

Annnnnnd.............Blogspot was down for a while.  Back from dentist with small cavity. (No, I didn't get it there; it's just when he found it.)  Cleaning was actually pretty awful.  I never realized how used I was to the way Dr. Boff works (chatting about baseball and such the whole time, etc.), and the hygienist, although I am sure she was not trying to be unkind, did a whole lot of things that made me uncomfortable.  Cavity will get fixed in June.

Let's get through May, first.

The Anniversary Waltz

Tonight on the way home from work I nearly pulled over to have a good cry.   But I didn't, just worked out a couple of sniffles and a good strong "get a grip" thought kept me on the road. 

Monday is always a long day, and for better or for worse there were a couple of disappointing thing that happened at work that were no more, or less, bad than anything else.  I think it's just the way they hit me, and I'm tired.

I've been sleeping rather poorly and am tempted to get back to the Ambien, just to survive all the (good) things coming down the pike for the rest of May.  We'll help Alex move back home in a couple of days, our annual teacher appreciation service is Friday, then Ari gets ready for his 2 (count them, 2) solos in his choir concert, but first, his confirmation service is on May 20. Religious school feels like we left every activity until the last minute; May is just packed with special programs and the last days of school are only about 2 weeks away! 

A couple of weeks ago I told the therapist that I was feeling kind of down, and that I hoped it was not the depression coming back.  But the highlight (or probably lowlight) of it the last time was a lack of appetite, and that doesn't seem to be an issue, nor do I want to go to/stay in bed all the time.  And, this evening's brief episode notwithstanding, I haven't really felt like crying for no reason.  So, I tried to explain that it wasn't depression exactly, but a kind of loss of enthusiasm, or energy, or something like that - more of a sadness, but not terrible.  She pointed out that (almost to the day) a year had passed since my diagnosis, and that, like the loss of a loved one, for a while I might notice this kind of feeling around this anniversary, and those of the surgeries, or maybe just the "big" surgery at the end of June. 

Her words were actually quite reassuring.  Forewarned is forearmed, I guess.  It didn't take away the feeling I am having, but it did make it understandable and best of all, it'll go away eventually.  I don't think she said "just go with it" but it was something similar. 

It's another timing thing.  The trick is to be able to wait for the time to go by to feel better, or to look better, but in the balance not to waste the time and, gosh, there's that patience thing again.  Just gonna have to find some more of that somewhere.