The week went by in a blur of - hmmm, I'd have to look at a calendar to list everything. And a lot of it was fun at the time, especially the shopping therapy at Pearl Paint (thanks to Elyssa - what a wonderful place!) and then on to Kohl's to find the perfect button-up-the-front pink flowered shirt for coming home from the hospital.
A very cool and rare sighting from home - my dad is coming to visit the Saturday before the surgery, and my sister-in-law and niece are coming with him to visit with her sister, who lives here in Oakland, right near us. They're all coming on the train, and going home that Tuesday. I joked with Dad that he was just staying long enough to be sure I had survived, and he laughed and said "that's right!" Those who don't know us too well would be horrified, but that's the way we talk. Underneath we're very soft and squishy sentimental folk.
Also during last week my birthday present to myself was ordered - an iPad. Although I had hoped it would come sooner, God's cosmic joke (in the form of Apple's shipping department) has dictated that it probably won't arrive until closer to my actual birthday, a far-too-close-for-comfort 4 days before the surgery. Plus, being a "want what I want when I want it" kind of gal living in an age of instant gratification..............well, you get the drift.
Sometime midweek each surgeon's office (because I couldn't remember which one's paperwork said "no nail polish" and needed someone to tell me why not) called to tell me that yes, it is ok to wear nail polish, as long as there are no acrylics underneath. I have gels, thanks to Jane(!) so it turns out a nice manicure before the surgery will at least be something pleasant to do to get ready, along with the special antibacterial soap washing and no eating or drinking (not even water) after midnight the night before.
The synagogue itself is pretty quiet right now, which is great, since my own little end of the hallway is busy with movement - books and papers going everywhere while we count what we have and decide what we need. Thank goodness Rachel is there with me. We made a list of all the work she is going to do over the summer, with or without me there, and she filled a whole lined pad! Granted, it was one of those little half-sized ones, but still, I never realized how much we do to get really, really ready.
The paradox (or is it a dichotomy?) of the calendar for me is that while I am just desperately impatient for Ari to be done with school, live through his finals, and just be able to stop struggling with things for a while, I am pretty patient about waiting for the surgery. There is so much I want to get done first!
This morning Rod & I drove down to West Orange for a one of our dance "family" child's Bat Mitzvah (Hi Ann & Stan - D. was great.) It was Conservative, so it started at 9 a.m. but she didn't start participating for real until around 11 a.m. We got there about 10:30 and it was different from what we're used to, but the same enough that we could make comparisons to our own services along the way. As we arrived they were into the 2nd or 3rd Torah reading, and I automatically started translating in my head. I actually could do quite a bit; Then they went on to a section with a bunch of names and numbers and parts of animals (all kinds of organs and such) because they were talking about sacrifice, and I lost track, but I had it for a while!
We sat with some of our other friends - it was good to hug everyone, most of whom we last saw at New Year's. We ducked out before the service was over and were in the car by about 12:30. The trip home should have been a little over half an hour. Nope. Trailer and its truck turned over in the middle of Route 287 and we didn't get home until around 2 p.m. Oy.
So we had plenty of time to check in with Ari, who Alex had driven to the youth group election/Chinese Food/Laser Tag end of year blowout. He was running, with a friend, to be the liaison to the junior youth group kids, and the boys didn't win. I felt bad because I knew he would have done a good job, and now there are no boys, er, young men, on the board at all. The girls who won are terrific, and I like them a lot, but as I take off my virtual synagogue hat and put on my virtual mom hat, I just felt bad. Probably he doesn't, and I'm sure it'll all be fine.
This afternoon we're going to meet Ari at the synagogue to pick him up from his youth group mall fun, then turn back around and go to the mall for Alex's "you had an awesome sophomore year in college" Dave and Buster's family outing.
Andrew will come over after he's done at work and join us for dinner and some gaming, and with any luck I'm going to go back to concentrating on NOT concentrating on anything for a few hours except enjoying being with Rod and the boys.
Saturday, June 12, 2010
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Q&A (the Tip of that Iceberg)
Monday I started to tackle my "questions" list that I had composed over the weekend based on all the dreaded paperwork reading that Rod had done (I am so grateful.) It was easier to have him pass me things to sign - I didn't really have to read them closely. Rod gave me a summary of what each one contained, and he made it much less scary. And he guided me through making my list of questions. Once it was down on paper, also not quite so scary.
The beginning of the question answering - not so bad. Dr. McIntosh's nurse Pat was really helpful:
Do I have to be there at 7 a.m., really? no, we have time to scoot over to Dr. D'Amico's office first to get marked up for his part of the surgery, then check in at 8 a.m. Special radioactive injections for the sentinel node biopsy at 9, surgery at 10. (Just writing that made my heart go flippity-flop.)
What should I bring? Robe, slippers, warm socks (my necessity), toiletries, phone, charger (how modern are we?)
What about all the pre-testing that some of the paperwork is asking for? Nope. Just the two that I already booked for the 16th, bloodwork and a heart thing (I can never remember if it's EEG or EKG - it's just sticky things and a graph output of some kind.)
What about this washing exclusively with a special prescription soap for some days before? I'm trying to explain that my hair will be gross if I don't wash it with my shampoo and use conditioner. Not my hair, silly (she didn't say "silly" but I heard it) just my body. It's to try to kill as much bacteria as possible before the surgery. Duh.
Similarly, a nice call to Dr. D'Amico's office:
What about the second "follow-up" consultation, AND the special appointment with the nurse (who's only in on Tuesday and Thursday) to sign the paperwork? Already had the consultation, and not necessary. We can simply drop off the paperwork I signed after we do the hospital stuff on the 16th. (Dr. D'Amico's office is across the street from the hospital; he's the chief of plastic surgery there.) At the same time, I can pick up prescriptions for all the stuff I'll need right after the surgery, like valium (used to stop muscle spasms, not for my sanity) and the aforementioned special soap.
Note here that this simply dropping off stuff is a good thing. I try to stay out of the doctors' offices, and the hospital, as much as possible; although I know it doesn't actually change anything, it FEELS less awful. For the same reason, when I go for exams, I usually dress so that I don't have to take lots of time to change, put clothes in the teeny locker, etc. I spend a little less time there and the act of removing tons of my own clothes to put on the the gown and robe is just mentally harder. So if Stacy and Clinton from "What Not to Wear" were to show up at one of these visits, they'd be properly horrified by gray sweat pants, Crocs, and a camisole top covered by my favorite zippy sweatshirt! Easy off, easy on, easy to get the heck out of there.
Monday I also started to try dealing with the insurance company on my own. By the time I had spoken to the 3rd department in a row, I had gotten nowhere fast and they had already denied the fee for the initial consultation. Plus, one of the papers I have to deliver on the 16th is something I signed saying we would "guarantee" that the doc receives his fee (somewhere over $35,00) no matter what happens with the insurance company. I'm sure everyone has dealt with things like this, and I'll bet you all have your own insurance horror stories, whether they be about property damage or your health, but boy oh boy this was quite the frustrating hour or so on the phone. (Can't imagine how that will show up on the cellular bill!)
The bottom line was that I needed to have Dr. D'Amico's office call the insurance co. to acquire something called "gap exceptions" for all their work, since there is technically a "gap" in the coverage that allows us to use an out-of-network doctor. (This gap thing is actually good news, believe it or not.)
Yesterday I spoke to Dr. D'Amico's wonderful manager, Marie, who has answered all my questions so far. (I'm not sure I've actually met any of his nurses yet?) She said "Please don't worry about this; we will take care of it. You have other things to think about."
All well and good - but before I said good-bye I told her that I hoped we would know more about this before I hand in my signed "I promise you will be paid all that money" form next week. We shall see.
The one thing both Pat and Marie said was, "keep writing down your questions and bring them in when you come next week." Nice change from the not-so-good old days when the doctor (usually a man) said "do this" and you did it, no questions asked, and you just worried. I feel like I'm eliminating some of the worry, and I appreciate that they want me to feel less anxious and are willing to take the time to help it happen.
Between my lists for work, my lists for home, and my lists for the surgery, I should just carry around a whole stock of Post-It notes. Oh, wait a minute......:-p
The beginning of the question answering - not so bad. Dr. McIntosh's nurse Pat was really helpful:
Do I have to be there at 7 a.m., really? no, we have time to scoot over to Dr. D'Amico's office first to get marked up for his part of the surgery, then check in at 8 a.m. Special radioactive injections for the sentinel node biopsy at 9, surgery at 10. (Just writing that made my heart go flippity-flop.)
What should I bring? Robe, slippers, warm socks (my necessity), toiletries, phone, charger (how modern are we?)
What about all the pre-testing that some of the paperwork is asking for? Nope. Just the two that I already booked for the 16th, bloodwork and a heart thing (I can never remember if it's EEG or EKG - it's just sticky things and a graph output of some kind.)
What about this washing exclusively with a special prescription soap for some days before? I'm trying to explain that my hair will be gross if I don't wash it with my shampoo and use conditioner. Not my hair, silly (she didn't say "silly" but I heard it) just my body. It's to try to kill as much bacteria as possible before the surgery. Duh.
Similarly, a nice call to Dr. D'Amico's office:
What about the second "follow-up" consultation, AND the special appointment with the nurse (who's only in on Tuesday and Thursday) to sign the paperwork? Already had the consultation, and not necessary. We can simply drop off the paperwork I signed after we do the hospital stuff on the 16th. (Dr. D'Amico's office is across the street from the hospital; he's the chief of plastic surgery there.) At the same time, I can pick up prescriptions for all the stuff I'll need right after the surgery, like valium (used to stop muscle spasms, not for my sanity) and the aforementioned special soap.
Note here that this simply dropping off stuff is a good thing. I try to stay out of the doctors' offices, and the hospital, as much as possible; although I know it doesn't actually change anything, it FEELS less awful. For the same reason, when I go for exams, I usually dress so that I don't have to take lots of time to change, put clothes in the teeny locker, etc. I spend a little less time there and the act of removing tons of my own clothes to put on the the gown and robe is just mentally harder. So if Stacy and Clinton from "What Not to Wear" were to show up at one of these visits, they'd be properly horrified by gray sweat pants, Crocs, and a camisole top covered by my favorite zippy sweatshirt! Easy off, easy on, easy to get the heck out of there.
Monday I also started to try dealing with the insurance company on my own. By the time I had spoken to the 3rd department in a row, I had gotten nowhere fast and they had already denied the fee for the initial consultation. Plus, one of the papers I have to deliver on the 16th is something I signed saying we would "guarantee" that the doc receives his fee (somewhere over $35,00) no matter what happens with the insurance company. I'm sure everyone has dealt with things like this, and I'll bet you all have your own insurance horror stories, whether they be about property damage or your health, but boy oh boy this was quite the frustrating hour or so on the phone. (Can't imagine how that will show up on the cellular bill!)
The bottom line was that I needed to have Dr. D'Amico's office call the insurance co. to acquire something called "gap exceptions" for all their work, since there is technically a "gap" in the coverage that allows us to use an out-of-network doctor. (This gap thing is actually good news, believe it or not.)
Yesterday I spoke to Dr. D'Amico's wonderful manager, Marie, who has answered all my questions so far. (I'm not sure I've actually met any of his nurses yet?) She said "Please don't worry about this; we will take care of it. You have other things to think about."
All well and good - but before I said good-bye I told her that I hoped we would know more about this before I hand in my signed "I promise you will be paid all that money" form next week. We shall see.
The one thing both Pat and Marie said was, "keep writing down your questions and bring them in when you come next week." Nice change from the not-so-good old days when the doctor (usually a man) said "do this" and you did it, no questions asked, and you just worried. I feel like I'm eliminating some of the worry, and I appreciate that they want me to feel less anxious and are willing to take the time to help it happen.
Between my lists for work, my lists for home, and my lists for the surgery, I should just carry around a whole stock of Post-It notes. Oh, wait a minute......:-p
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
On a Technical Note...........
A few people who have become "followers" (sounds a little cult-ish to me, but if that's the terminology, then that's the terminology) have written to ask for the link again. So, I guess I missed that you have to give people a way to actually get notification that you have posted a new blog entry.
Ari muttered something to me about "RSS feeds" way back when I started, but I have no idea what he's talking about. In the meantime, I found a "widget" that presumably will do this. So, if you click on the right-hand side of the page in a very nicely decorated (again, not my choice but pre-made by the developer) box under the Followers box, you should be able to enter your email address and you will get a message when I write a new entry.
I have tested this, and it does seem to work, and most importantly, they emphasize that they DO NOT SEND an email unless I write a new entry. So I'm hoping this solves things for a few of you, I thank you again for reading, and if you have problems with this particular widget then let me know and I'll disable it and try to figure out something else.
See now, I have successfully taken my mind off breast cancer and surgery and chemotherapy for a whole 15 minutes or so. Nice!
Ari muttered something to me about "RSS feeds" way back when I started, but I have no idea what he's talking about. In the meantime, I found a "widget" that presumably will do this. So, if you click on the right-hand side of the page in a very nicely decorated (again, not my choice but pre-made by the developer) box under the Followers box, you should be able to enter your email address and you will get a message when I write a new entry.
I have tested this, and it does seem to work, and most importantly, they emphasize that they DO NOT SEND an email unless I write a new entry. So I'm hoping this solves things for a few of you, I thank you again for reading, and if you have problems with this particular widget then let me know and I'll disable it and try to figure out something else.
See now, I have successfully taken my mind off breast cancer and surgery and chemotherapy for a whole 15 minutes or so. Nice!
Friday, June 4, 2010
A Long (but not bad) Day
I'm writing at 10:40 p.m. and it has been a long, long day.
Just returned from picking up Ari from the first night of the junior youth group camping trip that his senior youth group was programming for. Due to Ari's arm's-length (or, more accurately, ten-foot pole) relationship with six and eight-legged forms of life, we took him home for the night and will drop him back in the morning. That way, at least one of the teens running things will have had some rest!
This morning I met our cantor at a local hospital/rehab facility near my house to visit with a congregant, something I would like to be good at (if there is such a concept as being good at this.) As much as I keep thinking I should be completely freaking out about going to a hospital, what with my own impending visit and all, it was so nice to see her smile and I found out later she was really happy I had been there. I told her I would be back, and I will.
Then on to the synagogue to work with one of my adult students - we took out a Torah to read from, and as I carried it down the hall to the library, I realized that in addition to feeling the usual honor of carrying something precious, it felt kind of comforting to hug it to me.
Before I knew it, I was once again running late for my chiropractor appointment. (I have been going 3 times a week to see if the pain in my back could go away before the surgery happens and I have no other option for a sleeping position.)
And it was hot, and I was still wearing my "nice" top and skirt and shoes for the hospital visit - so off I went to drive the kids home from the high school. Then back to the house to get Ari ready to go over to the camping trip, and then back to the synagogue to help the youth groupers pack up their stuff into the cars (of which my minivan was one.)
Well, about an hour and a half later I stood in the dusty, hot campground parking lot, sweating like crazy (still in my skirt, etc.) after helping load all the sleeping bags, cases of water, toilet paper, tents, backpacks, lanterns, s'mores ingredients, etc. onto a truck. Then a quick wave good-bye to the kids and advisors (brave Stacey and Leah!) and gratefully back down the long winding hill to home.
After a no-holds-barred, who-cares-about-the-carbs plate of spaghetti, back to the campground (this time with Rod driving, fortunately) to get Ari.
Tomorrow Rod and I are really going to take a look at all that scary paperwork from the surgeons and make a list of questions for them, but that's tomorrow. I'm hoping that after finally getting into nice cool sheets in a nice air-conditioned bedroom and throwing back a few Advil, I'll have a decent night's sleep.
Just returned from picking up Ari from the first night of the junior youth group camping trip that his senior youth group was programming for. Due to Ari's arm's-length (or, more accurately, ten-foot pole) relationship with six and eight-legged forms of life, we took him home for the night and will drop him back in the morning. That way, at least one of the teens running things will have had some rest!
This morning I met our cantor at a local hospital/rehab facility near my house to visit with a congregant, something I would like to be good at (if there is such a concept as being good at this.) As much as I keep thinking I should be completely freaking out about going to a hospital, what with my own impending visit and all, it was so nice to see her smile and I found out later she was really happy I had been there. I told her I would be back, and I will.
Then on to the synagogue to work with one of my adult students - we took out a Torah to read from, and as I carried it down the hall to the library, I realized that in addition to feeling the usual honor of carrying something precious, it felt kind of comforting to hug it to me.
Before I knew it, I was once again running late for my chiropractor appointment. (I have been going 3 times a week to see if the pain in my back could go away before the surgery happens and I have no other option for a sleeping position.)
And it was hot, and I was still wearing my "nice" top and skirt and shoes for the hospital visit - so off I went to drive the kids home from the high school. Then back to the house to get Ari ready to go over to the camping trip, and then back to the synagogue to help the youth groupers pack up their stuff into the cars (of which my minivan was one.)
Well, about an hour and a half later I stood in the dusty, hot campground parking lot, sweating like crazy (still in my skirt, etc.) after helping load all the sleeping bags, cases of water, toilet paper, tents, backpacks, lanterns, s'mores ingredients, etc. onto a truck. Then a quick wave good-bye to the kids and advisors (brave Stacey and Leah!) and gratefully back down the long winding hill to home.
After a no-holds-barred, who-cares-about-the-carbs plate of spaghetti, back to the campground (this time with Rod driving, fortunately) to get Ari.
Tomorrow Rod and I are really going to take a look at all that scary paperwork from the surgeons and make a list of questions for them, but that's tomorrow. I'm hoping that after finally getting into nice cool sheets in a nice air-conditioned bedroom and throwing back a few Advil, I'll have a decent night's sleep.
Thursday, June 3, 2010
How Did I Get to June Already?
Wow. It's June already. So although the school days for Ari seem to last forever, the days until my surgery are whizzing by. It's quite the paradox that while I want to fill my days with activity to a)get things done and b)not have time to think about what's coming, I still manage to "squander" time on Facebook Scrabble, Bejeweled Blitz,and sudoku, just to name a few.
Memorial Day weekend was not fast-moving; yet it was a blur anyway, you know what I mean? We had a lovely dinner with Evelyn and Jim on Thursday night, Friday night our congregation sent off our beloved Rabbi Joel Mosbacher in a hail of "have fun!" evenly balanced with "come home!" (So, it's possibly I was more on the "come home" side but I really do support the "have fun" part, honest!)
Saturday we visited Rod's parents in Connecticut and had a nice lunch out. Our sharp-eyed Alex & Ari noticed that it was Kent Lion's Club lobster festival, so their generous grandparents bought us 5 lobsters (already cooked, thank you very much) to take home with us. Poof - lobster dinner.
Then Sunday we went into Chinatown for my first official "Religious School is done" Sunday dim sum breakfast. Andrew and Jackie and her mom got Jackie moved out of her NYC apartment, and Jackie and Andrew came over later in the day. Andrew "felt like" hibachi (aka - let's go out for hibachi) so we did.
Off to the Mt. Fuji (an early Benihana knock-off) restaurant we've been going to since before the kids were born, where they slice and dice and throw food in the air and catch it in the top of their hats. (By now I figure the tops of those hats are really gross, but since I don't eat out of their hats I don't care.) I tried a Mt. Fuji Mohito - it was okay but I wouldn't do it again. If I'm going to drink something that's putting me to sleep a half hour later, it had better be amazing.
I think Monday morning we finally realized we hadn't gotten much done, so in a blaze of busy we did errands, paid bills, etc.
Tuesday was my first coverage of Rabbi's meetings and that was fun and interesting, and then our annual staff Whine and Dine got into full swing and we did a lot of great talking. I was pleased with myself that I was brave enough to try a text study before we started, even did the blessing for studying Torah first! Then everyone started talking at once, which is the norm, and even though we were supposed to end at 6:30, the last of us left after 8 p.m. Also normal, for sure. We are a very tightly-knit (sometimes tightly-wound, sometimes completely unwound) group and I love these teachers and all their different styles and personalities. They gifted me with two beautiful pieces of loungewear to make my recovery a little more luxuriously comfortable - an ultra soft pink robe and a button-up (necessary) soft nightshirt. Yummy.
Through this that and the other (some things were bothering me that it was not in my power to resolve) I didn't get to sleep until 12:45. Shoulda taken an Ambien but didn't - woke up at 4, then 6, then it's useless so oh well.
Yesterday taught one of my fabulous adult classes. They are so enthusiastic, and if you correct them they say "thank you" and when class is over they say "thank you" and well, it's just fabulous. (I am ever grateful to the rabbi for allowing me to do this - step out of my proverbial children's school hallway and into a different educational experience.)
Up at 2 a.m. today, but simply reached over for a half an Ambien and played sudoku and went back to sleep. It works. Somewhere in the night, Alex wrote the most amazing, lovely, wonderful thing on my Facebook Wall. I immediately pasted it into my phone to keep for when I need it. Alex, I hope you don't mind but I love it and it's going here too:
I hope some of you are a little teary. I was bawling. And for a change, in a good way.
So today Elyssa, PBFFAPS (phenomenal BFF and psychic sister) is treating me to that pink piece of cotton candy of a movie, Sex and the City 2, and since it's in a mall, we MIGHT buy something, who knows? I have cleared my schedule and I'm hoping to leave most of my worries, for now, here at home. That would be pretty awesome.
Memorial Day weekend was not fast-moving; yet it was a blur anyway, you know what I mean? We had a lovely dinner with Evelyn and Jim on Thursday night, Friday night our congregation sent off our beloved Rabbi Joel Mosbacher in a hail of "have fun!" evenly balanced with "come home!" (So, it's possibly I was more on the "come home" side but I really do support the "have fun" part, honest!)
Saturday we visited Rod's parents in Connecticut and had a nice lunch out. Our sharp-eyed Alex & Ari noticed that it was Kent Lion's Club lobster festival, so their generous grandparents bought us 5 lobsters (already cooked, thank you very much) to take home with us. Poof - lobster dinner.
Then Sunday we went into Chinatown for my first official "Religious School is done" Sunday dim sum breakfast. Andrew and Jackie and her mom got Jackie moved out of her NYC apartment, and Jackie and Andrew came over later in the day. Andrew "felt like" hibachi (aka - let's go out for hibachi) so we did.
Off to the Mt. Fuji (an early Benihana knock-off) restaurant we've been going to since before the kids were born, where they slice and dice and throw food in the air and catch it in the top of their hats. (By now I figure the tops of those hats are really gross, but since I don't eat out of their hats I don't care.) I tried a Mt. Fuji Mohito - it was okay but I wouldn't do it again. If I'm going to drink something that's putting me to sleep a half hour later, it had better be amazing.
I think Monday morning we finally realized we hadn't gotten much done, so in a blaze of busy we did errands, paid bills, etc.
Tuesday was my first coverage of Rabbi's meetings and that was fun and interesting, and then our annual staff Whine and Dine got into full swing and we did a lot of great talking. I was pleased with myself that I was brave enough to try a text study before we started, even did the blessing for studying Torah first! Then everyone started talking at once, which is the norm, and even though we were supposed to end at 6:30, the last of us left after 8 p.m. Also normal, for sure. We are a very tightly-knit (sometimes tightly-wound, sometimes completely unwound) group and I love these teachers and all their different styles and personalities. They gifted me with two beautiful pieces of loungewear to make my recovery a little more luxuriously comfortable - an ultra soft pink robe and a button-up (necessary) soft nightshirt. Yummy.
Through this that and the other (some things were bothering me that it was not in my power to resolve) I didn't get to sleep until 12:45. Shoulda taken an Ambien but didn't - woke up at 4, then 6, then it's useless so oh well.
Yesterday taught one of my fabulous adult classes. They are so enthusiastic, and if you correct them they say "thank you" and when class is over they say "thank you" and well, it's just fabulous. (I am ever grateful to the rabbi for allowing me to do this - step out of my proverbial children's school hallway and into a different educational experience.)
Up at 2 a.m. today, but simply reached over for a half an Ambien and played sudoku and went back to sleep. It works. Somewhere in the night, Alex wrote the most amazing, lovely, wonderful thing on my Facebook Wall. I immediately pasted it into my phone to keep for when I need it. Alex, I hope you don't mind but I love it and it's going here too:
Mom,...That's really all I have to say. Without seeming cliche, you are absolutely the rock of my sanity. You have only ever made sense, and have only looked out for my interests. Despite any arguments we have ever had, I just want you to know that I love you, and know that I realize unconditional love is something that nobody should ever take for granted. You have helped me grow and succeed into what I am today and I thank you for it with all my heart.
I hope some of you are a little teary. I was bawling. And for a change, in a good way.
So today Elyssa, PBFFAPS (phenomenal BFF and psychic sister) is treating me to that pink piece of cotton candy of a movie, Sex and the City 2, and since it's in a mall, we MIGHT buy something, who knows? I have cleared my schedule and I'm hoping to leave most of my worries, for now, here at home. That would be pretty awesome.
Thursday, May 27, 2010
A Bigger Cave
At about 4:15 this morning, I woke up and went around the house turning off lights that various boys had left on, got back into bed and proceeded to not sleep. Then a light went back on, so upstairs I went, only to discover that Alex was still awake. (That would be Alex with a dentist appointment at noon today.) So, after a semi-pointless conversation entitled "How am I going to wake you long-distance from work so I can meet you at the dentist if you're not asleep yet?", I went back downstairs and continued to not sleep some more.
When you can't sleep, you know the one thing you CAN do? Think. And unless you're making a to-do list (bathing suit, sunscreen, beach towel, trashy novel,) thinking at that hour is just not productive. And the longer I didn't sleep, the harder it got not to succumb to some real tears. So I did.
The timing's no accident, I think. We are so close to Memorial Day weekend, so close to June 1, which brings us inexorably and with awful speed, to June 28 and beyond into some increasingly uncertain medical future. And a consistent, structured part of my support system will be missing, what with religious school done for the year. (Yep, another year over and just our annual "Whine and Dine" next week to get it all out of our systems; lots of hugging and kissing and "see you in September.")
Plus the rabbi is going on a very, very well-deserved three-month sabbatical, which is, and I repeat, well-deserved and necessary. But a variable that keeps more than one equation balanced around here is going to be missing. (I hope the math metaphor was right - it's the only thing I understand when Gael comes to work with Ari on algebra!)
During my mother's last illness, I learned that her sitting in a chair in the house for long periods of time was sometimes referred to as "cave time." It's something we all get to have, once in a while, and I was determined not to abuse the privilege. (Because, let's face it, if you take some "cave time" everyone else has to kind of tiptoe around you and feel like they can't do anything to help. After all, a cave is a cave; it's not an excuse for a party unless it's referring to the many cave-like dorm rooms I've seen over the years.)
I figured out that my cave is just a little bigger than most people's, in that it expands from my house, kind of like a (warning: Star Trek/Gate/Wars fan here) force field, into the synagogue, our friends' houses, the chiropractor's office, Staples...........well, you get the idea. It's a pretty spacious cave.
Aside from the difference in dimensions, it also means that I encounter a lot more people in my cave, and I'm grateful for the interaction, most of the time. So, to all of you who inadvertently participate in my cave time, thank you for your patience.
And to all of you whose events I haven't attended, or whose phone calls or emails I haven't returned immediately, thank you for understanding that sometimes this virtual cave is really small, and that I'm just coping.
When you can't sleep, you know the one thing you CAN do? Think. And unless you're making a to-do list (bathing suit, sunscreen, beach towel, trashy novel,) thinking at that hour is just not productive. And the longer I didn't sleep, the harder it got not to succumb to some real tears. So I did.
The timing's no accident, I think. We are so close to Memorial Day weekend, so close to June 1, which brings us inexorably and with awful speed, to June 28 and beyond into some increasingly uncertain medical future. And a consistent, structured part of my support system will be missing, what with religious school done for the year. (Yep, another year over and just our annual "Whine and Dine" next week to get it all out of our systems; lots of hugging and kissing and "see you in September.")
Plus the rabbi is going on a very, very well-deserved three-month sabbatical, which is, and I repeat, well-deserved and necessary. But a variable that keeps more than one equation balanced around here is going to be missing. (I hope the math metaphor was right - it's the only thing I understand when Gael comes to work with Ari on algebra!)
During my mother's last illness, I learned that her sitting in a chair in the house for long periods of time was sometimes referred to as "cave time." It's something we all get to have, once in a while, and I was determined not to abuse the privilege. (Because, let's face it, if you take some "cave time" everyone else has to kind of tiptoe around you and feel like they can't do anything to help. After all, a cave is a cave; it's not an excuse for a party unless it's referring to the many cave-like dorm rooms I've seen over the years.)
I figured out that my cave is just a little bigger than most people's, in that it expands from my house, kind of like a (warning: Star Trek/Gate/Wars fan here) force field, into the synagogue, our friends' houses, the chiropractor's office, Staples...........well, you get the idea. It's a pretty spacious cave.
Aside from the difference in dimensions, it also means that I encounter a lot more people in my cave, and I'm grateful for the interaction, most of the time. So, to all of you who inadvertently participate in my cave time, thank you for your patience.
And to all of you whose events I haven't attended, or whose phone calls or emails I haven't returned immediately, thank you for understanding that sometimes this virtual cave is really small, and that I'm just coping.
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Not So Much, Today
Hard to believe it's almost the weekend again. This morning my stupid back (and leg) pain woke me at 4 a.m. and I couldn't go back to sleep until 5:45. Unfortunately the alarm went off this morning at 6:10 because we had to get Ari to meet the choir bus at school for their choral festival at Great Adventure. Somehow he got up, ate breakfast, dressed, and was out in the car in time for us to get him to the high school at 7 a.m.
When I got home from my lovely adult Hebrew class later in the morning, I opened the mail and there were all these documents from both surgeons: pre- and post- operative instructions, dire warnings about complications, "here's how much you owe if the insurance company doesn't pay" notices; in short, reality dropped like a brick in the form of sheets and sheets of paper in two thick envelopes.
That stuff just haunted me for the rest of the day, even after I had tossed it all in a pile, in a bag, in the corner for Rod to look at later. I know leaving it for Rod doesn't make it go away, nor will it be any easier for him to read and digest than it was for me. But I had to physically put it "away" somewhere. (Maybe I'll make photocopies and burn them. I wonder if that would help?)
A really nice thing in the middle of today was a sushi lunch (a promised Mother's Day gift, thank you Andrew) with Andrew and Alex.
Meanwhile, back at the high school, the choir bus that was supposed to return at 5 p.m. did not get in until almost 7. This delay meant that Ari did not get to his homework until well after 9 p.m., and he's tired to start with. Frankly, everybody's tired to start with so it's not a happy situation all the way around this evening.
It was really nice to have lunch with the "big" boys today, and I don't want to minimize that, but right at the moment I'm not feeling terribly sane or strong. Maybe it was just one of those really crappy days and tomorrow I'll bounce back. That would be terrific.
When I got home from my lovely adult Hebrew class later in the morning, I opened the mail and there were all these documents from both surgeons: pre- and post- operative instructions, dire warnings about complications, "here's how much you owe if the insurance company doesn't pay" notices; in short, reality dropped like a brick in the form of sheets and sheets of paper in two thick envelopes.
That stuff just haunted me for the rest of the day, even after I had tossed it all in a pile, in a bag, in the corner for Rod to look at later. I know leaving it for Rod doesn't make it go away, nor will it be any easier for him to read and digest than it was for me. But I had to physically put it "away" somewhere. (Maybe I'll make photocopies and burn them. I wonder if that would help?)
A really nice thing in the middle of today was a sushi lunch (a promised Mother's Day gift, thank you Andrew) with Andrew and Alex.
Meanwhile, back at the high school, the choir bus that was supposed to return at 5 p.m. did not get in until almost 7. This delay meant that Ari did not get to his homework until well after 9 p.m., and he's tired to start with. Frankly, everybody's tired to start with so it's not a happy situation all the way around this evening.
It was really nice to have lunch with the "big" boys today, and I don't want to minimize that, but right at the moment I'm not feeling terribly sane or strong. Maybe it was just one of those really crappy days and tomorrow I'll bounce back. That would be terrific.
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